in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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