The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize