Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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