Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize