How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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