Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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