Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
