I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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