hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
