Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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