if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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