Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
