Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
