i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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