through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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