just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
