There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
