If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
