I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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