I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
