he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
