Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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