i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
