I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
