I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
