sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You smell like stripper and shame
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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