It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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