tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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