i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
