its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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