hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
