I think my fart just growled at me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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