yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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