Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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