dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
