I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
