He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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