You made me cry and you don't even care
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
