I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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