I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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