I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
