My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
