Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
