I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
