Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
