Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
