Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
