my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you had me at cake vodka
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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