I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
