1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
