i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
