mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
your like the ambassador to my penis.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
