This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
dude. I can hear the air.
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