I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
