You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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